


Broken glass inside my head

by Tovarich



Series: Good Omens Celebration 2020 [5]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Good Omens Celebration 2020, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, self-deprecating thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:13:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24029428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tovarich/pseuds/Tovarich
Summary: Crowley felt nauseous. He didn't want to have sex. The thought of someone touching him this way made shivers of disgust and fear run up his spine. It made memories of that day flood his mind. That damned day where he was taken against his will, deprived of what little dignity he had possessed. He knew Aziraphale would be kind to him, that he wouldn't do anything Crowley wouldn't be willing to do. But what if the voice in his skull was right?  Crowley knew he would endure anything to keep Aziraphale, even if it hurt him. Because nothing could hurt more than watching Aziraphale leave.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Good Omens Celebration 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1727137
Comments: 10
Kudos: 113
Collections: Good Omens Celebration





	Broken glass inside my head

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt for the 5th day of the Good Omens Celebration 2020 was "Miscommunication". This was written as a continuation to "Kiss the demons out of my dreams", but it can also be read on its own. Please read the tags, there are some heavy themes in this and I'd hate for anyone to be triggered.
> 
> The title if from "Panic Song" by Green Day

Aziraphale wasn't there when Crowley entered in the bookshop. The angel had probably gone to his favourite bakery, just around the corner. Surely, he would have told Crowley if he had intended to leave for longer than a few minutes. It didn't matter much, though. Since the failed apocalypse, Crowley had started coming to the bookshop so often that it became a second home to him. He sat on the sofa and noticed that Aziraphale had left the book he had been reading on one arm of the couch. Certainly, Aziraphale wouldn't mind it if Crowley read for a bit while waiting for him. Crowley didn't read a lot, he preferred to listen to audiobooks, so that he didn't have to strain his eyes. But reading once in a while couldn't hurt.

Crowley opened the book and regretted it instantly. It was porn. Vintage erotica. The book was filled with black and white photos of naked people, most of them alone in suggestive positions. Some pictures had two or three people having sex. Crowley was blushing. He had known that Aziraphale owned this kind of books, but he hadn't actually seen any before. Did Aziraphale look at these only in aesthetic appreciation or did he touch himself? Was Aziraphale sexually frustrated? Did Aziraphale want to have sex?

He quickly closed the book and put it back where he had found it. his cheeks were burning. Aziraphale had never even hinted at the fact that he wanted to have sex with Crowley. However, he loved touching Crowley. He loved stroking his hair, running his fingers on Crowley's skin, kissing him. And now he knew that the angel actually looked at his rather large collection of erotic books. Maybe Aziraphale wanted to have sex but didn't dare ask Crowley…

 _Of course, he wants to have sex, you stupid, useless demon._ The nasty little voice in Crowley's voice murmured. _But he knows what a shitty lover you are. Not even able to satisfy him, are you? Too much of a coward to just take the initiative and offer yourself._ He really hadn't missed the company, he would have been just fine if the voice kept on staying silent like it had for months now. But no, it seemed to jump on any occasion to just make Crowley miserable. _Miserable, yes, that's what you are. Open your eyes, Crowley: you're a demon, you're not worthy of his love. One day he's going to realise he's been wasting his time with you and he'll just leave._ The mere thought made his eyes sting with tears. He would do anything to keep the angel by his side. Anything. _Anything, really? Do you think a coward like you is able to keep him? He's an angel, he's perfect. And you? You're an ugly little piece of shit, Crowley. Just look at you: awful yellow eyes, only skin and bones, no self-esteem. You really think he'll stay if you can't satisfy him? You can't even handle to spread your legs and let him have you._

Crowley felt nauseous. He didn't want to have sex. Not just with Aziraphale. The thought of someone touching him this way made shivers of disgust and fear run up his spine. It made memories of that day flood his mind. That damned day where he was taken against his will, deprived of what little dignity he had possessed. He knew Aziraphale would be kind to him, that he wouldn't do anything Crowley wouldn't be willing to do. But what if the voice in his skull was right? What if Aziraphale really was frustrated, what if the angel left? Crowley knew he would endure anything to keep Aziraphale, even if it hurt him. Because nothing could hurt more than watching Aziraphale leave. Crowley remembered how it had felt to think Aziraphale was gone forever and he simply couldn't bear the thought of losing him once again. He knew he couldn't live without those bright blue eyes, without this light blond hair that shone like a halo in the sun, without that soft body that so readily provided comfort and affection. His heart clenched painfully in his chest, his throat was tight, making it difficult to breathe. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, falling on his clenched fists. He removed his sunglasses, angrily wiping them before putting his shades back on, concealing his red-rimmed eyes. He was going to ask Aziraphale to have sex with him. He could handle it, he had to.

* * *

That evening, as they were sitting side by side on the couch, drinking wine and talking about everything and nothing, Crowley tried to gather his courage. He climbed on Aziraphale's plump thighs and said, "Angel, do you want to have sex with me?"

Aziraphale was surprised by the question. He lovingly wrapped his arms around Crowley's waist and replied, "Well, I certainly wouldn't be opposed to it, if it is something you want."

 _Ha!_ The mocking voice in Crowley's head exclaimed, _see, I told you he wanted it!_

Crowley took a deep breath, trying to keep his hands from shaking. "I-" he swallowed hard. "I do, angel."

Aziraphale's lips pressed a gentle kiss on his cheek, then on his nose, and finally they ended on his mouth. They rarely kissed this way. So far, it wasn't so bad, Crowley could handle it. His heart was beating erratically in his chest and Crowley hoped that if Aziraphale could feel it, he associated it with excitement rather than fear.

"Let's go upstairs, dear." Aziraphale whispered in Crowley's ear, before leaving a soft kiss on his jaw.

Crowley's stomach was tight with apprehension as he followed Aziraphale to the bedroom. He was breathing too shallowly, his head was starting to spin. This was terrible and he wanted nothing more than to run away. But he didn't allow himself to, he had to carry on.

The angel guided Crowley to lie on the mattress with delicate fingers. The touch felt reassuring. Everything about Aziraphale was reassuring. But it wasn't enough to ease Crowley's panic. He bit his tongue in an attempt to refrain from screaming, from begging Aziraphale to stop. Blood flooded his mouth, the coppery taste making him want to throw up. He was assailed by images of demons tearing him open, using his body for their pleasure without paying any attention to Crowley's cry for mercy.

Aziraphale had started opening his shirt, button after button. But suddenly, his hands weren't on Crowley's chest anymore. Crowley was lifted in the angel's strong arms, held against his soft chest. The angel's calming voice whispered soothing words in his ear. Crowley's face was distorted in an expression of fear and disgust. He was crying.

 _You're a useless pile of shit, Crowley! You screw this up, just like you screw up everything you do. It's a wonder this amazing angel still has the patience to comfort you!_ The voice shouted angrily, the words echoing in his skull.

It only made him cry harder.

"I'm sorry, angel, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Please, don’t leave me. I'll be good, I'll do better, I swear."

Aziraphale tightened his hold on Crowley's shaking body. Why his lover was in such a state, he didn't know, but he would do everything he could to make him feel better.

"Shhh, darling. There's no reason to apologise, you did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong, my perfect darling."

"I'm sorry, I can't do it. I can't be enough for you, I can't be good enough. I'm sorry." Crowley wept, burying his face in Aziraphale's chest.

The angel kept on running his fingers through Crowley's flaming hair, pressing small kisses on his forehead and temple, holding him tight. It broke his heart to see Crowley like that, without knowing what he could do to make it better.

"I- you wanted to have sex, and I'm not even able to give that to you. I'm useless angel. I'm a useless, broken demon." Crowley tried to contain his tears, but they kept on spilling from his clenched eyes.

"Crowley, dear, it doesn't matter. We don't need to have sex, I'm perfectly happy with just holding yourself tight against me, hugging you, kissing you. I don't need more. And more importantly, you don't owe me anything. Do you hear me dear? You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I love you with my whole heart and nothing will ever change that." He kissed Crowley's hair several times, rubbing soothing circles on Crowley's back. "You're not useless, Crowley. You're perfect. My perfect demon. Do you have any idea how happy I am with you? You make me happy, you mean the world to me, darling." Aziraphale could feel tears starting to fall from his eyes too. He hated seeing his love in so much pain, he hated that his demon thought he wasn't enough for him.

 _That's what he says. He's too nice, and you know it. You don't deserve him. Broken demons don't deserve beautiful angels._ Crowley internally screamed at the offending voice to just fuck off and die. He couldn't take it anymore, couldn't take the cruel words, the mocking tone. It was too much. The voice laughed, it was the same contemptuous cackle he heard back then, from the demons abusing him. After that, the voice was gone.

Crowley felt so tired, so empty. He didn't have any tears left to cry, so he just sat there, a pile of trembling limbs in Aziraphale's arms.

"Darling," Aziraphale asked cautiously, "would you talk to me, please?"

Crowley wanted to refuse. He knew Aziraphale wouldn't force him to talk, that he would let it go for the time being. But Crowley couldn't keep that to himself any longer. It was destroying him, and it was destroying his angel too. He nodded but stayed silent for a while. He knew Aziraphale would give him all the time he needed.

He let the steady sound of Aziraphale's heartbeat soothe him for a while, closing his eyes, trying to adjust his own breathing to the rise and fall of Aziraphale's chest.

"It happened in Hell," he eventually said, "They attacked me. A group of demons. They-" Crowley had to close his eyes. He couldn't say it, couldn't say that word. But he had to, deep down, he knew he needed to. Not for Aziraphale, but for himself. "They raped me." His voice was small, so low he wasn't even sure Aziraphale had heard it. But he had said it, finally, after all this time, he had managed to say it.

Aziraphale let out a gasp and a shaky breath. He buried his face in Crowley's hair, holding the demon in a tight embrace. Silently, he swore he would avenge his lover, even if he had to flood Hell in a sea of Holy Water for that.

"Why didn't you tell me anything, dear? Why did you keep this to yourself?"

Crowley could feel all the hurt and anger in Aziraphale's voice, and he knew without any doubt that it wasn't directed at him.

"Happens all the time, down there," Crowley shrugged, "didn't want to bother you with that. Didn't want you to worry."

"What happened to you wasn't normal, Crowley, it was a traumatic event and you shouldn't have had to suffer through that." Aziraphale gently cupped his cheeks and looked him in the eye. "Darling, I want you to know that you can always count on me. You can always come to me, talk to me. Please, don't ever keep anything to yourself, no matter if you think it's too silly or too awful, if it's bothering you I want you to come talk to me. Is that alright dear? Do you think you can do that for me? Do you think you can trust me enough for that?"

"Of course, I trust you angel. I- I'll try to tell you things in the future, I promise you. I'm sorry." Crowley felt ashamed, he had messed up again, like he always did.

"Shhh, sweetheart, my darling love, there's nothing to apologise for. I only want you to know that I'm here. I'll always be here. Always."

Crowley felt exhausted from all the intense emotions. He lied down on the bed, under the covers, resting his head on his lover's belly. "Thank you, angel. Thank you for being there. I trust you. I love you."

"I love you too, my precious darling. I'll always be by your side, forever, no matter what. We'll go through everything together. My lovely serpent."

The road to healing would be long, they both knew it. But Aziraphale had no doubt they would get there with time. Nothing was impossible, as long as they had each other. For now, Aziraphale would lather his lover and oldest friend with love and affection, show him how perfect he was, how Aziraphale needed him in his life. He would make sure the demon never forgot how loved he was, how precious he was in Aziraphale's heart. 


End file.
